Moments in time

Another year has passed and I'm not sure I know who I am any more than I did when 2012 started. My family, kids, cats and as of Sunday pups keeps growing, shifting, and dancing quickly through the days. My sense of what matters is shifting too....a board game of Life with the kids can be frustrating to get started but once we are all sitting on the floor laughing and playing together, I get it. Life is hard. But within each day lays something good....you just have to look for it. A homemade card from my daughter, a quiet walk with the pups, sitting in the sun with my cat at my feet, a new skirt, pretty shoes, opening a new cookbook, a clean house...puppy kisses..

  We remember the moments not the days...sometimes we need a reminder to search out those moments.

So here's to a new year and all its moments.

Laws of Physics

Sometimes the whirlwind never stops. A roller coaster with no exit, exciting fun, breathtaking, scary, but in the end you want it to stop, be able to get off and take a deep breath, maybe get back on, but have the opportunity to stop.

Why is it that being a single mom is sometimes like that roller coaster ride? I love my children. I love my boyfriend. I love my job, mostly. (:-)) So why the need to breath? Sometimes the everyday gets in the way of the extraordinary. Of what we really want to say and do. I guess sometimes when things get going, they never really slow down...As I teach in Physical Science. Newton's 1st Law of Motion, an object in motion will stay in motion and an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

"Unbalanced force" = friction. HA! What holds for Newton, holds for all of us...friction is the one thing that can change the course of an object, person or relationship.

Silly little piece of paper...

How is it that in life we make new choices, take new risks, try new things but in the end we usually end up where we started? Casual dating? YES! I'll try that! Something new! Exciting! Fun! Different! That's right, I thought to myself, I don't want to be in a committed relationship, been there done that. I want to meet new people, have fun and enjoy life. You know me and of course we all know that wouldn't last to long. It was fun, yes, but confusing, a bit worrisome, and left me feeling more than a bit exhausted. Who was I going out with on Friday? What was I doing on Saturday? The result of that endeavor was that I found out that I do indeed want to be in a relationship. (I also found out that men still find me attractive, nice to know after 2 children, 7 years of marriage and 1.5 years of dating the same man!

I found that it some very basic ways I miss being married. That I like the monotony of dinner with the family, working on school projects together. That I like watching bad tv in bed. I like talking about unimportant things, silly things and things that matter. That I like having someone know, just by my voice, what kind of mood I'm in and why. As much as dating can be exciting and fun, I admit that I miss the safety, reassurance and comfort that come from being in a committed relationship. I miss the silly piece of paper that binds us in the eyes of the church, the state, and our families...

Shopping Therapy

What is it about a new shirt, a pretty necklace or a new pair of shoes that can make me feel so good? Is it the rush of something new? Is it the vision of new possibilities that are more intriguing than those shoved in my closet? Is it the spending of money? Perhaps it is for the feelings of acceptance and approval that come with "oh I L-O-V-E your dress!!! Where did you get it????" Or is it that I just want to look good?

I'm not sure of the answer but I do know that shopping makes me feel good.

Shopping itself is therapeutic, try something on - you don't like it, try something new. If you don't like the color or size or cut, chances are there will be someone there running to get you the color or size you want. And the girls in the changing room, they are great for the self-esteem. "OMG you look great!!! you have to get that!!!" Yes I know it's their job, but how easy is it to get wrapped up in the moment and buy that top?

Enough with the reflection, how do I look good in this dress, it's new?

There is no crying in baseball...

A week ago, I was walking into school to pick up my kids. Everything was going fine. I've got a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I can handle this. I am good with "the breakup". I am good with the house in foreclosure.I am good being a single mom.
All is good.

And then everything stops. A friend, a colleague really, says hey how are you? Just one of those rhetorical questions that the asker doesn't expect an answer...much less one that involves tears! I paused before I answered, thinking to myself "how am I REALLY?" and then the tears started. There I was in the hallway at school stifling back the tears wondering (as I said earlier..How did I get here?).

Arms went around my back and the floodgates were opened...tears that had been pent up for weeks, maybe months came rushing out. And as I was crying, I was told "there is no crying in baseball"...but this isn't baseball I thought. This is a game with much more complex rules...fouls are allowed, stealing expected and you never know what pitch is coming up next and hearts not bats get broken. The tears continued through the hug and when I was let go..the tears stopped. I went ahead and picked up my children and we set off together with the phrase "there's no crying in baseball echoing in my ears".

But this is real life and there are tears. But for now my tears have subsided and I am good. Really. I am.

And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

The talking heads said it best...how did I get here? and I ask myself How DID I get here?! This is not my beautiful house. Where is that large automobile?

Minutes turn to days, and days into years and one day we wake up from the fog and ask ourselves "how did we get here?" Sometimes the answer is as simple as, "I must have been asleep at the wheel" or "well it wasn't that bad" or "things could always change" or "it hasn't been that long". But one thing I've learned, and although it has taken me a long time to learn it...the more things change...the more they stay the same.

People don't change. We are who we are. Our idiosyncrasies, our pet peeves, the way we fold our t-shirts and towels, these things don't change. Our parenting techniques, whether we say to-ma-to or tah-ma-to these stay the same. In essence the reasons some relationships just don't work out will remain the same reasons, regardless of effort. The reasons to break up the first time remain the same reasons to break up a second and a third time and so on and so on until your head spins and wonders "how did I get here?"

I guess as much as we say it's all about progress, at the root of us we remain the same. I am the same girl who competed in science fairs, who thought her father was amazing, that played the french horn for oh so many years and never mastered it. I am me. I am lazy (a bit) I am giving (too much) I am loving (with all my heart) I am expressive (my heart is on my sleeve I am competitive (sports, grades, promotions). I am as Meyer Briggs expressed an extrovert, intuitive feeling perceptive personality. I was that in high school, college, first job and even now. We remain the same unless challenged in extraordinary and unpredicted ways. If the status quo works, why change...I think I need to change (a bit)

To think back about the energy I spent trying to make a past relationship work, I sigh and truly wonder why, why did I work so hard? I knew what the eventual outcome would be and yet, for all that I tried, the neuroses remained, the inflexibility and unwillingness to adapt to new situations remained regardless of his pleas and promises of change. The writing is and has been on the wall for almost a year now and despite a series of renewed and invigorated attempts to "make it work" to "try harder" we remain well...to quote the talking heads again...same as it ever was.

I've moved on. He says too fast. I say I've been expecting the shoe to drop for months that he was already gone. He calls and cries. He apologizes and says he can change but I've heard it before and I don't want to wake up another year from now asking myself "My God, what have I done".

I've put him behind me. I am not only asking myself how did I get here but where do I go from here? The fear of being alone and attempting life by myself is gone. I know that there are adventures waiting for me and just knowing that they exist will help me find my way.

So ask yourself "How did I get here?" and hopefully, if things are going right, you be able to say because this is where I want to be.

anger....

How is it that my 7 year old son has more anger in him than I do? I mean I'm the one who is 35 (almost 36), single, starting over, basically single mother of 2, NOT getting child support, back to work and broke...

I thought I'd done my best to protect him from the whole situation. The break up. The divorce. All the changes....I did my best to make the changes as small and as non-disruptive as possible. But here we are 1.5 years after the split and he still cowers before men...even my father who would not hurt a fly and he is still scared of my dad...

He loses complete control when things don't go exactly as planned and tells me "I don't know why I get so angry but when I do, ...I can't stop it.."


What do you do with that?

We're doing counseling. Family therapy (sans dad b/c he feels the whole thing is bull-shit (his words not mine). He told me (and I quote) "any problems with the boy can be solved in about 20 minutes with a serious beating". My thoughts. Not. Going. To Happen.

What next? What should I do? His therapist is recommending removing all custodial rights from his father. Is that the right thing? I use to love his dad, I use to think he was a good man...and now...I don't know. I'm not sure about anything other than I'll do anything to keep my kids safe and try to make them happy...