Tuesday....the cleaning lady comes...

The other day my boyfriend (yes, I call him that now!) went into the garage to get a soda out of the icebox. He came back in and said I was living in squalor. SQUALOR!! Now not that I'm sensitive or anything, or feel overwhelmed just in the everyday nuances of feeding, bathing, and dressing 2 children,working full-time, taking care of house, dealing with a foreclosure, etc, but I started crying. Ok, not big fat alligator tears, more like, oh my, is this my life, tears.

So...there might be a bit of truth in his statement; but the truth hurts. I haven't unpacked all the boxes in the garage from my move since the "split with the ex- husband". Well, maybe that's not exactly true, I've unpacked them a little, bringing the stuff I needed into the house and leaving the rest strewn about the garage. OK point in case, my daughter just came into the office (I am not making this up!) with a pyrex measuring cup, a coffee cup, a box of tile grout, a random key, one quarter, two rolls of Christmas wrapping paper and the tassel from my high school graduation. I am not kidding, this really, really did just happen. Again, the truth hurts.

On a similar note, it was probably just a week or so ago that I finally brought in my engagement ring and wedding ring from the garage (they were sitting in a box of un-needed bathroom supplies!)

So more about the squalor of the garage..maybe the cats did poop in the garage AND maybe I hadn't quite had a chance to clean it up before he went into the garage. AND maybe there was a bag or two of trash and recyclables that had not quite made to the street YET. But I wouldn't quite say squalor.

Maybe, now in retrospect, squalor might be an accurate adjective....Mind you I said maybe!

A discussion of my inability to accept help ensued. He had offered me several weeks ago to hire a cleaning lady to come and do a solid cleaning of the house. I never called the woman. It's just weird. I don't know, I feel weird about him paying for someone to clean my house. He says its the least he can do. He says he knows I'm overwhelmed with so many other things, let him do this for me...and still I don't call. WHAT is wrong with me!??!?!? So after his journey into the garage, he made the call and she is coming Tuesday at 9 am. Oh shit, I'm going to have start cleaning soon so the house is not a total embarrassment when she shows up! I let you know how operation clean house goes.

BFF...

Best friends forever...what a concept. what a beautiful thought...in high school I remember I ended almost all of my secretly passed notes with a BFF or a LYLS (love ya like a sister) closing. But for how many people does this hold true? A friend forever? Through thick and thin? For better or worse? Through sickness and health?

In marriage I didn't find this. But in five people from my past, I have it.

What makes some friends the type that you can go days, weeks, months, even years without talking and the moment you are together or on the phone or chatting on-line the days melt away and it seems as if you were never apart? Those are the best type of friends. You pick up where you left off, never missing a beat; somehow although you both grew; you didn't grow apart, your friendship stayed strong, solid, and dependable.

My question to myself is why do we let those friendships stay idle? Is it because we know now matter what they are safe? Or are we afraid if we try to cultivate them that the thing that makes them special may die? I don't know but I think I"m going to try harder to maintain and sow those friendships...

BFF
Susan

E-Harm-o-who?

In the whole on-line dating scheme, I imagined that the men would be smart, well educated, choose appropriate and flattering profile pictures and be able to communicate their wants and needs with ease and precision. Yeah...not so much.

In the quest for the perfect man, (hee-hee) I signed up for e-harmony. So far I have found men pictured with Santa, the Easter bunny, a big fluffy bischon-frise, their mothers, their fathers, and the best of all Mickey Mouse. Actually the most interesting was the one of the man kissing a dolphin (no, I am not making any of these up). So...I'm left thinking "Really, out of all the photos you have of yourself, this is the one you pick to entice the women?? Really?"

I see misspellings galore, i.e., I am an inteligent man..I am looking for a descent woman...I love cabernat wine...looking for a serius relationship...and so on and so on.... Maybe I expect too much, maybe I want too much , so for now these guys are not in the running for the love of my life... I guess the devil I know is better than the devil I don't....

(actually things are going quite well :) )

Fool me once shame on you...

Fool me twice shame on me...

What is it about love? Or the promise of love? that makes one loose their mind, their senses and in some cases their cognitive abilities? I had everything packed up. Two neat bags full of unnecessary reminders of a relationship ended. I was to drop them off while he was out...he got the stomach flu and he was home.

He sent me a text stop in and say hi when you drop the stuff off. I said no (emphatically)! I said I'd cry. He said he just needed to see me. please.

So I did. We talked and talked and cried and cried. Then cried and cried and talked and talked. I drove away, ending it again. I was about to turn onto my road but I couldn't; I came back. He said he loves me and can't do it with out me.

So here we are back together. He's asleep, sick in the other room. I'm going to work. I'll let you know how this one plays out...

I'm okay ...You're okay

I've had several friends/family members say to me after reading my blog; it will be okay...hang in there. I just want everyone to know that for the record, I'm doing okay. I mean yes, I've been better, but I'm hanging in there. I get up, I get the kids up and out, I go to work, I smile, I laugh, I go to the beach, I drive with the convertible top down, I imbibe the occasional margarita, I'm enjoying life. :)

Please know that although it may not seem so, I'm somewhat happy with the path life has taken me. Don't get me wrong, I never wanted to get divorced and be raising 2 kids basically on my own; but now I can see some of the major things I sacrificed for my marriage. I don't think all marriages involve such one sided sacrifices; not at least the good ones. Anyway, I'm finding myself again; and at 35 I'm a whole different person than I was at 26.

So for anyone who's asking, I'm okay.

Packing up is hard to do...

So, I'm at that awkward point at the end of the relationship when you pack up your ex-partners "stuff". You know the stuff that just accumulates when you are IN a relationship...bathing suits, socks, books, magazines, t-shirts and the like. Maybe the books should have been my first clue that it wasn't going to work. Disarming the Narcissist, Blood Rites, The Power of Body Language, Stumbling onto Happiness, Raising the Bi-Polar Child, and so on aren't the books of a man who has found peace in his life. The books and Fortune magazines have been packed up nicely in a Nordstrom Bag. His pillows (didn't like mine) are by the door as well.The clothes and shoes have been neatly folded and are awaiting the yet to be scheduled exchange.

The things I'm left wondering about what to do with include the following:

1. 2 half bags of black licorice (I hate black licorice).
2. The coffee maker he bought for my house (since mine wasn't good enough).
3. The slip-n-slide he bought for Noah's birthday (I know, sweet gesture at the time)
4. The 5 various flavored quart-size containers of half eaten ice-cream.
5. The deli, Dijon, Merlot & shallot flavored mustards that I bought specifically for his weird mustard fetish (fetish as in food but still, the man loves mustard).
6. A collection of slightly used golf balls my kids gathered for him in our backyard (sounds silly but 20 or so Pro-V1s are in high demand here in Naples)
7. His toothbrush.

I think I'll toss the candy, ice cream & toothbrush; enjoy the coffemaker and mustard and hit the Pro-V1s myself. I'm still debating the slip-n-slide. I mean it's pretty cool and he lives in a condo.......

Meow...Crazy Cat Woman

I guess that is now me. I have 3 cats. I'm single. I'm a woman. It's a slippery slope once you have more cats than people living in your house.

I like cats. I hate cat boxes. When I got pregnant my then husband took over litter box duty. You know toxio-what-ever-plosis. That disease that women can get from handling cat poop. Well any way, as you can imagine I never took that job back! Now no husband, means no pooper scooper.

I tried to encourage the kids to take responsibility and clean the cat box. To no avail. SO the job falls back to me. I do it less than I should. It's gross. I had a hard enough time changing diapers so animal poop is even worse. ick.