What is it about a new shirt, a pretty necklace or a new pair of shoes that can make me feel so good? Is it the rush of something new? Is it the vision of new possibilities that are more intriguing than those shoved in my closet? Is it the spending of money? Perhaps it is for the feelings of acceptance and approval that come with "oh I L-O-V-E your dress!!! Where did you get it????" Or is it that I just want to look good?
I'm not sure of the answer but I do know that shopping makes me feel good.
Shopping itself is therapeutic, try something on - you don't like it, try something new. If you don't like the color or size or cut, chances are there will be someone there running to get you the color or size you want. And the girls in the changing room, they are great for the self-esteem. "OMG you look great!!! you have to get that!!!" Yes I know it's their job, but how easy is it to get wrapped up in the moment and buy that top?
Enough with the reflection, how do I look good in this dress, it's new?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
There is no crying in baseball...
A week ago, I was walking into school to pick up my kids. Everything was going fine. I've got a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I can handle this. I am good with "the breakup". I am good with the house in foreclosure.I am good being a single mom.
All is good.
And then everything stops. A friend, a colleague really, says hey how are you? Just one of those rhetorical questions that the asker doesn't expect an answer...much less one that involves tears! I paused before I answered, thinking to myself "how am I REALLY?" and then the tears started. There I was in the hallway at school stifling back the tears wondering (as I said earlier..How did I get here?).
Arms went around my back and the floodgates were opened...tears that had been pent up for weeks, maybe months came rushing out. And as I was crying, I was told "there is no crying in baseball"...but this isn't baseball I thought. This is a game with much more complex rules...fouls are allowed, stealing expected and you never know what pitch is coming up next and hearts not bats get broken. The tears continued through the hug and when I was let go..the tears stopped. I went ahead and picked up my children and we set off together with the phrase "there's no crying in baseball echoing in my ears".
But this is real life and there are tears. But for now my tears have subsided and I am good. Really. I am.
All is good.
And then everything stops. A friend, a colleague really, says hey how are you? Just one of those rhetorical questions that the asker doesn't expect an answer...much less one that involves tears! I paused before I answered, thinking to myself "how am I REALLY?" and then the tears started. There I was in the hallway at school stifling back the tears wondering (as I said earlier..How did I get here?).
Arms went around my back and the floodgates were opened...tears that had been pent up for weeks, maybe months came rushing out. And as I was crying, I was told "there is no crying in baseball"...but this isn't baseball I thought. This is a game with much more complex rules...fouls are allowed, stealing expected and you never know what pitch is coming up next and hearts not bats get broken. The tears continued through the hug and when I was let go..the tears stopped. I went ahead and picked up my children and we set off together with the phrase "there's no crying in baseball echoing in my ears".
But this is real life and there are tears. But for now my tears have subsided and I am good. Really. I am.
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?
The talking heads said it best...how did I get here? and I ask myself How DID I get here?! This is not my beautiful house. Where is that large automobile?
Minutes turn to days, and days into years and one day we wake up from the fog and ask ourselves "how did we get here?" Sometimes the answer is as simple as, "I must have been asleep at the wheel" or "well it wasn't that bad" or "things could always change" or "it hasn't been that long". But one thing I've learned, and although it has taken me a long time to learn it...the more things change...the more they stay the same.
People don't change. We are who we are. Our idiosyncrasies, our pet peeves, the way we fold our t-shirts and towels, these things don't change. Our parenting techniques, whether we say to-ma-to or tah-ma-to these stay the same. In essence the reasons some relationships just don't work out will remain the same reasons, regardless of effort. The reasons to break up the first time remain the same reasons to break up a second and a third time and so on and so on until your head spins and wonders "how did I get here?"
I guess as much as we say it's all about progress, at the root of us we remain the same. I am the same girl who competed in science fairs, who thought her father was amazing, that played the french horn for oh so many years and never mastered it. I am me. I am lazy (a bit) I am giving (too much) I am loving (with all my heart) I am expressive (my heart is on my sleeve I am competitive (sports, grades, promotions). I am as Meyer Briggs expressed an extrovert, intuitive feeling perceptive personality. I was that in high school, college, first job and even now. We remain the same unless challenged in extraordinary and unpredicted ways. If the status quo works, why change...I think I need to change (a bit)
To think back about the energy I spent trying to make a past relationship work, I sigh and truly wonder why, why did I work so hard? I knew what the eventual outcome would be and yet, for all that I tried, the neuroses remained, the inflexibility and unwillingness to adapt to new situations remained regardless of his pleas and promises of change. The writing is and has been on the wall for almost a year now and despite a series of renewed and invigorated attempts to "make it work" to "try harder" we remain well...to quote the talking heads again...same as it ever was.
I've moved on. He says too fast. I say I've been expecting the shoe to drop for months that he was already gone. He calls and cries. He apologizes and says he can change but I've heard it before and I don't want to wake up another year from now asking myself "My God, what have I done".
I've put him behind me. I am not only asking myself how did I get here but where do I go from here? The fear of being alone and attempting life by myself is gone. I know that there are adventures waiting for me and just knowing that they exist will help me find my way.
So ask yourself "How did I get here?" and hopefully, if things are going right, you be able to say because this is where I want to be.
Minutes turn to days, and days into years and one day we wake up from the fog and ask ourselves "how did we get here?" Sometimes the answer is as simple as, "I must have been asleep at the wheel" or "well it wasn't that bad" or "things could always change" or "it hasn't been that long". But one thing I've learned, and although it has taken me a long time to learn it...the more things change...the more they stay the same.
People don't change. We are who we are. Our idiosyncrasies, our pet peeves, the way we fold our t-shirts and towels, these things don't change. Our parenting techniques, whether we say to-ma-to or tah-ma-to these stay the same. In essence the reasons some relationships just don't work out will remain the same reasons, regardless of effort. The reasons to break up the first time remain the same reasons to break up a second and a third time and so on and so on until your head spins and wonders "how did I get here?"
I guess as much as we say it's all about progress, at the root of us we remain the same. I am the same girl who competed in science fairs, who thought her father was amazing, that played the french horn for oh so many years and never mastered it. I am me. I am lazy (a bit) I am giving (too much) I am loving (with all my heart) I am expressive (my heart is on my sleeve I am competitive (sports, grades, promotions). I am as Meyer Briggs expressed an extrovert, intuitive feeling perceptive personality. I was that in high school, college, first job and even now. We remain the same unless challenged in extraordinary and unpredicted ways. If the status quo works, why change...I think I need to change (a bit)
To think back about the energy I spent trying to make a past relationship work, I sigh and truly wonder why, why did I work so hard? I knew what the eventual outcome would be and yet, for all that I tried, the neuroses remained, the inflexibility and unwillingness to adapt to new situations remained regardless of his pleas and promises of change. The writing is and has been on the wall for almost a year now and despite a series of renewed and invigorated attempts to "make it work" to "try harder" we remain well...to quote the talking heads again...same as it ever was.
I've moved on. He says too fast. I say I've been expecting the shoe to drop for months that he was already gone. He calls and cries. He apologizes and says he can change but I've heard it before and I don't want to wake up another year from now asking myself "My God, what have I done".
I've put him behind me. I am not only asking myself how did I get here but where do I go from here? The fear of being alone and attempting life by myself is gone. I know that there are adventures waiting for me and just knowing that they exist will help me find my way.
So ask yourself "How did I get here?" and hopefully, if things are going right, you be able to say because this is where I want to be.
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